I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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