You smell like a Billy Joel song
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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