I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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