my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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