I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Is it because I queefed?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
