Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
