This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Randomize
