I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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