My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
