My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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