i can't believe i had my finger in that
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
