I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
