Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I have aggressive nipples.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
