Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
