plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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