I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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