I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
