My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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