She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
