i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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