I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
