The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize