i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
