Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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