so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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