My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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