apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
one might say we're banned from that church
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize
