Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
