I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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