i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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