I murdered the dance floor call the cops
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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