he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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