it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
