help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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