Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
