i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
