come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
