five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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