I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
