I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
