There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
