I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
