I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
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