Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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