Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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