sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
