I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
