Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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