you would pick up someone in the library
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he was CRYING into my vagina
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
