BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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