so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
