I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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