meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i will never coherently bang her
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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