But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize