haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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