The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
