it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
