I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
