i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
