I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
