The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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