Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
